A Courtship Guideline

    A courtship guideline is a great place to start, move, and stay on track.  Remember, you and your friend are trying to get to a defining point in your relationship- to commit forever in marriage, or to remain "just friends".  A courtship without guidelines is like a long road trip without a map or clear destination.  For some people, being vague about a direction is exciting and fun; a challenge.  For others, it is very frustrating and confusing; difficult to enjoy.
    My husband and I just drove across the country.  Up until three days before we set out, we had a destination but no set plan as to what routes we would take (Northern US, Canada, or Mid US), where we might lodge for the night, or how long it might take us.  It was driving me absolutely crazy and I was fighting the temptation to be outright annoyed.  I was uncomfortable existing in the "vague zone" and it stressed me out.  My stressing out drove Sonny a little crazy.  As the tension was brewing beneath the surface it made it a little more difficult to communicate to each other.  I didn't want to share how I felt because I knew it would bug him (again), and he probably didn't want to listen to my nagging after a while; kind of like tuning out.  In the end of it all, we did communicate and understand the reasons behind not being able to plan the details until the last minute.  We survived.  But this was only a little trip across country.  Do you really want to take chances with your relationships?  I wouldn't.
 
 

Reasons why a courtship guideline is a good idea:
  1. It gives the two of you something to talk about during that first meeting.  I'm not going to get all super spiritual about this. I remember that first meeting with Sonny, three days after we agreed to court.  I was overwhelmed with excitement, disbelief, emotions and nervousness.  Here was a guy I was pals with for the past two & a half  years and I can't even carry a normal conversation with him!  How could I possibly think of what to say about what I think about "us" at a moment like this?!?
  2. It defines what the two of you are actually, really doing.  It's kind of funny.  Sonny really loved me and wanted to marry me, but by asking me "if God might have something more for us" he didn't really know what that process might mean.  In fact, at one innocent moment, the day after we agreed to court, Sonny commented to a curious friend, "What did I get myself into???"  Don't take it the wrong way.  He knew what he wanted.  He wanted me.  But at that point when he was overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions, and hopes, it wasn't quite clear to him what the two of us were actually, really going to do!  Furthermore, two people are constantly bringing two different ideas to a situation. Communication is the only way to take those two ideas (precedents, paradigms, backgrounds) and bring them to one common idea.  Putting those ideas on paper reminds you of what you might have forgotten or have become unclear about as well.
  3. It gives you an idea of what to focus on throughout the courtship. When we drove across country we encountered cities (confusion, increased knowledge of one another, and swift transitions from one phase to another- and sometimes back around again), we traveled through mountains (emotional and intellectual highs), and valleys (times of pain, sadness, and unexpected difficulties), we dealt with plains... (monotony, everyday life, neutral) ... plains and plains (N. Dakota), and every once in a while discovered fascinating landscapes and sights (unexpected elation and surprises, sweet moments).  We had this really neat atlas that we used to decide what roads to take, where the trustworthy back roads were, and estimated travel times (and where all the Wal-Mart's are :).  Gosh, if we took a back road that wasn't on that map, we would have taken the chance of getting completely lost, set back in our plans, or possibly injured!  (Don't cheat on your guidelines)  It also included safety suggestions and little notes about the individual terrain and weather we might run into.  Even though we didn't know what to expect, or exactly what route we would take, we had a reference to keep us toward our destination (a decision to marry or not) and ideas to keep us going amidst the unexpected (dealing with issues and miscommunications).
  4. It gave us something solid to stick to and evaluate our progress.  Our courtship guideline served as a type of "Our Relationship for This Season" bible for us.  We laid out rules of sort, kind of like the Ten Commandments, and homework-like assignments.  Midway through the courtship, Sonny took every heading of our guidelines and put several lines underneath each one so we could go home and write an evaluation of how we are keeping up with each section as individuals and a "courtle" (our word for "couple").  When we were both finished, we would get together and read our responses to one another.  This helped a lot when we were learning how to open up to each other in a deeper way without scaring us to death.
  5. It gives your mentors an understanding of your intentions so they can keep you accountable.  I highly recommend your courtship progresses from start to finish with mature and seasoned Christians overseeing your progress.  Our mentor couple, Wayne & Michelle, prayed for us, prayed with us, were a sounding board, and a filter (tell them things before telling each other to see that we are being seasonally appropriate).  They kept us moving when we were stalling and they held us back when it seemed like things were moving too fast.  They weren't in charge of our courtship.  They were in charge of our sticking to OUR original decisions as outlined in our guidelines- we gave them the right to do so.
Are you convinced yet?

You may observe our guidelines and use them as a spring board or outline for your own.  Taylor it to your needs.

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